That prompted a laugh, throaty and long, my eyes turned toward the ceiling like whatever fucking gods looked down on us might join me in my bitter amusement. They would have been the ones that put me there, after all.

"What am I doing to myself," I repeated, and laughed again. "What am I doing to myself." I leveled a suddenly sober gaze at Sarah. "I'm doing what I have to do. You need to understand that now, and stick it firm in that stubborn brain of yours, because it isn't going to change. My whole life is about doing what I have to do, and it will always be that way. I know you know how that works."